Basement Recording: “Last Night, Good Night”

Were you expecting a spring season first episodes post? Nah. Don’t actually read this post, okay?

I turned 20 today, and last night I made a breakup happen for the first time in my life. I sure hope it’s the last, but even saying that makes me feel naive. So as any amateur soprano might, I went to my basement and hit some high notes. I’d have sung “Just be Friends,” but that wouldn’t have been suitable, because it was really a frank end to a non-toxic relationship. Besides, “Last Night, Good Night” goes higher. I think this song summarizes my mood last night pretty well.

Please don’t expect musical content if you dare to click it. My phone can’t pick up high notes without harmonizing them with weird sounds, and even after I lowered the pitch by a few keys, it’s still doing it. Probably also the location. I guess breakup songs just aren’t supposed to be pretty.

last night
I wish I knew who drew this, but the image often accompanies the song.

Writing about stuff is supposed to be healthy. I do believe that, and love the sincerity of other people’s rants on WordPress. I am a ranty and introspective type of person too when it comes to things in life, but there are other factors I must take into consideration this time, so you are spared from a full rant that includes any context.

What’s a breakup supposed to feel like? I mean, everybody experiences one differently, but what I feel is not what I expected a breakup to feel like. What does a breakup feel like to you? I am seriously curious. I barely slept last night, and all I’ve been feeling was concern and guilt. I know, however, that these feelings will fade with time, and that it would not even take a very long time before I can start doing everything I should be doing. In fact, it will be within today, out of necessity. It won’t be a repression of feelings, but a moving on from it. It makes me feel cruel.

I don’t think I’m a person who’s incapable of love, even though he’s only been a wonderful person to me. I don’t know since when, but I felt more motherly towards him than girlfriend-like. I don’t think I conveyed my reasons for having a breakup very well. It was not an excess of love that I couldn’t handle. I felt sorry that I couldn’t match up to it, but above that, I felt sorry for the one having to put energy into it. It occurred to me already that this wouldn’t have worked out, regardless of the amount of love I was receiving. If he finds someone more worthy of love than me, I hope he doesn’t refrain from loving her.

What had been the true reason then? Something uglier on my part, perhaps. Since the thought of being in a moratorium period drove me to despair near the end of high school, I’ve been pushing myself to various extents, so hungry to learn, to know, to better myself in some way. It was to fill a void that came from a sense of inadequacy. As a result, it’s always been five courses a term for me, with at least one or two side hustles going on at any given point. Life is short, and I felt the scary desire to saturate every waking moment with relevance. I got approval for some things I was doing, and generally felt positive, fulfilled, and productive. It was the feeling of doing something, and the certainty of knowing exactly how things could be done. That is a reason why I don’t know how to cope with a long-distance, online relationship that is neither full of certainty nor entirely productive. I could have waited, but the act of waiting is frightening.

In the duration of this relationship, I’ve failed very badly to communicate. My natural instincts lead me to comply rather than disagree even when I was aware of some of the troubles I was having. It was not his fault, and I sincerely hope he understands that. We had good moments, and that should be what matters.

So there, the first truly moya-moya post on The Moyatorium. I haven’t felt moya-moya in a while.


27 thoughts on “Basement Recording: “Last Night, Good Night”

  1. No you shouldn’t delete it. It’s just a part of life.
    I’ve got even more depressing posts than yours that I’ve thought about deleting and in the end, I let it go.
    Like I’ve said, Moya, really, just don’t feel too bad about it. You are mighty fine ๐Ÿ™‚
    Really nice singing btw. Next time do a concert for me ๐Ÿ˜‰
    *You definitely have a singing voice. It’s beautiful.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Ply… you’ve been so supportive. It wasn’t necessarily out of embarrassment that I wanted to delete it, but I guess it doesn’t really matter now. Well, he’s read it now anyways.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Relationships…
    I could say all sorts of stuff about communication being important to relationships…
    But I dunno, I’ve never been able to reason my way out of my feelings.
    I know I can’t speak for everyone, but regret never got me anywhere either. Neither has pretending that I feel any other way. Regret’s something no one needs to have, but nearly everyone does. All I know is that it feels really crappy to regret your own feelings.
    Wishing you the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you…um, I’d have thanked you by name, but I realized you never gave me one. Should I call you Edgy for short? XD
      Jokes aside, I don’t know if I regret my own feelings. I do regret the absence of some of them though. As for having debated about whether to post this – embarrassment really wasn’t the only issue in question.
      Ahhh…the more I think about the topic of feelings… Will probably be in a sorry mood for a while.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hehe, you can call me EAT like the class in Soul Eater~
        (Kinda just realized my username is kinda annoying to reference!)
        I kinda wrote out a longer version of this comment- then I deleted it.
        You don’t need my edgy lectures, and I think if you just take some time, your worries will sort themselves out!
        And if anything does come up, I’m sure that you’ll be just fine! (Feel free to use us as a wall to rant at though!)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aww, I kind of like “Edgy.” But “EAT” is kind of cute too. Your edgy lectures are always welcomed.
        Kinda wish WP has private chat sometimes. But yeah, I believe my worries will sort myself out in enough time too. Time solves many things.
        Thank you for being around.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I get feeling guilty…I’ve broken up with or just had to turn down guys who were perfectly nice guys, I just wasn’t into them in the end. It’s like that sometimes. This is also Very Relatable because I tend to take on as much as I can at any given time because I’m like, obsessed with being “productive,” especially now that I’ve graduated. Anyways, it’s so cool that you can turn all that into writing/singing & have a creative outlet & I’m glad you were able to share ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  4. negativeprimes

    Happy birthday! (I mean that unironically.) Kudos to you for breaking off a toxic relationship. Your feelings will probably be turbulent for a little while, but no matter how you feel, it was the right thing to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Firstly, happy birthday (even if I’m late). Sorry it had to not be a super fantastic birthday from the sounds of it though. I’ve had a couple breakups in my life and they have all been kind of crummy. Believe me, they are some bizarre circumstances. Eventually though, I felt better so I’m sure you will too ๐Ÿ™‚

    You know where to find me if ya want to talk or anything. Any time, I’m practically always around. Take it easy and don’t push yourself too much, ok? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks a lot, Jon. It was a different birthday, I guess. Thanks for being available as well…I thought I’d get over it sooner than this, but this feeling is crappier than I anticipated. Will try my best not to push myself too much, but I’m not sure if that’s possible right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Putting the words down always helps you to get through things, and it is always important to know that you did the right thing for both of you. Some people are too afraid to break up and then stay together until it just turns into an explosive situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Don’t say a thing about the quality – clearly the emotion gets through very well.
    Sad to hear that not everything is going well. Still, you seem to be taking everything rather rationally and I think that’s an important step moving forward. Yeah, it isn’t comfortable but I hope that you’ll soon find many things to cheer about. After all, it’s said that Nature doesn’t like emptiness – you lose one thing, you find another.
    And happy birthday! Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Aldael. It means a lot. I feel a little too rational, actually, in a way that feels kind of wrong. A calm mood seeping with guilt? Something like that.
      I shall recover though. Some seasonal anime at last might help.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This is coming from a guy with no relationship experience at all so sorry if it’s completely unhelpful and cynical. First of all delete this post if you don’t want the person you were seeing to view this or are uncomfortable with people seeing and talking about it. If not having these emotional posts have really helped me in the past so I’m sure it is going to be good for you.

    Also sorry if I’m about to confuse a few thing, I’ve went back to check through it a few times and don’t feel like I’ve got everything.

    In my opinion if you’ve stopped loving the guy then you should feel guilty for not breaking up with him. Because what’s the alternative? Never breaking up with him at all, or feeling like an idiot if he breaks up with you. Lets say the latter didn’t happen and it was the former that took place instead. You would be leading him on. Then if things got really bad the worst case scenario is marriage, kids, and a terrible divorce which is difficult for everyone. In contrast to that thought what you did sounds great to me.

    This breakup is very recent for you so yeah feeling bad and guilty is so natural. It’s part of the recovery process. The fact that you feel this way shows that you’re human, and that what you two had going was great at the time.

    Having a breakup is a very normal thing to go through and I would say that the majority of people have done it. It’s nothing new. It probably feels like a slap in the face to read that, and I’m sorry for it, but the point I mean is this – if this many people have done it, you WILL do it too.

    P.s Happy birthday, I thought that was all that I was going to comment but it turned into this! I also played your track you recorded and thought it was a professionally sung song until the high notes started and I noticed a lack of background music! It was cool and very emotional.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the support. For the “delete this post” to avoid it being seen – well, it’s kinda too late. I half wrote it for him to see and half dreaded it, which is probably a normal way to feel. What’s done is done.
      It’s true that I was thinking of ending it earlier than later to minimize the harm. I do like him though, so perhaps if I’d waited, love could have happened. Again, what’s done is done.
      The thought that people have breakups all the time makes me admire everyone else in the world so much more. I never thought a breakup would be so horrible. I know what grief is and am able to cope with it fairly well, but I still can’t pinpoint what exactly this is.
      Thanks again for reading and commenting. It means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Awww…. I dared to click and it wouldn’t play… Now I’m depressed… But HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰ I will tell you right now though… Break ups always suck. Whether you’re the one doing the dumping, or the one being dumped. And I’ll tell you right now, sweety.. It won’t be the last time for EITHER, especially at 20!! But, I hope you had a good birthday regardless!! ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Firstly, Moya-san Happy Belated Birthday.
    Secondly, I agree with Ply-san, don’t delete it.

    I honestly can’t be of lesser help here, because I haven’t ever had a relationship (I AM still 16?). But I feel like since what’s done is done, stay strong for a little longer Moya-san. Things like love are too broad to end after one try anyhow.
    It’s great you were ready to talk about it though.
    If I stepped over the line, please ignore me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Auri! Relationships are certainly a very moya-moya thing, though I’m just generalizing myself too. It wasn’t a terrible experience though, and I’m certainly not someone to quit something after one try!

      Liked by 1 person

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