A Trashy Satire Involving a Snob, Yandere, Hairdresser, and Vampire (Full Version)

So Angelica tagged me for a super fun tag challenge where you get to play MASH and decide your life story in an alternative dimension (see my last post). Here’s what I got:

Genre: satire

Love interest: emo hairdresser

Setting: a random high school

Transportation: shopping cart

Best friend: a yandere

Villain: ancient vampire

Pet: baby snake

Job: too rich for work

Power: senpai-baiting charm

Trope/twist: death flags

So…I wrote out the first half of the story in the last post. It’s not that long, so I’ll put it all here again. WARNING: much trash ahead, proceed with caution.

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Moya is an ordinary high school girl (oh, except for the fact that she’s filthy rich, ohohohohoho). She recently acquired an infant anaconda that her father hired people to capture from some forest deep within Sri Lanka, and she can’t wait to show off to all her classmates. All the senpais would be so impressed! But does the school have a rule against pets? Ohohoho…rules are only for peasants. But just in case, Moya hides her snake Hebi-tan between her boobs like all the best girls do.

“Ojousama, your ride is ready,” announces Moya’s driver. Moya descends gracefully down the staircase, only to see a shopping cart in place of her Mercedes. Whatever is going on?

book tag 4

“We’re very sorry, ojousama, but your car has been stolen this morning,” says the driver. The driver gently picks Moya up and places her in the shopping cart.

“But…but how will I get there on time?” Moya cries.

“Don’t worry, ojousama. I used to be a competitive runner.” The driver does a hair-flip and his sweat goes all kira-kira in the air. Moya is pushed through the neighbourhood at a high speed while the driver makes ambulance noises to warn everyone in the way. Hebi-tan falls out during the ride (because it’s not like there was anything holding it there in the first place).

Despite the thoughtful ambulance noises the driver makes, Moya’s shopping cart knocks over a row of senpais in front of the school. “Ah, to die under Moya-sama’s tracks…” One of them exclaims in passion as he falls.

But Moya can’t settle for these plebeians. She makes her way into the classroom and sits down at her window seat, second from the back. Her friend Yan-chan pokes her from behind. “Psst…we’re going to have a transfer student today, you know?”

“No…? How did you know that, Yan-chan?” Moya asks with indifference.

Yan-chan smiles secretively. “He came from Tokyo and his parents own a hospital.”

“Wow, you sure know a lot, Yan-chan~” Moya praises her friend.

“You know, he also wrote fan-fiction in middle school, though he deleted all his accounts now. He shouldn’t have though, they were all so dark and gory and fantastic!” Yan-chan continues passionately, and Moya is amazed to see Kurokami-kun introduced by the teacher as the new transfer student. He is so…cool-looking!

Moya shoves the senpai beside her onto the floor, face-down. The teacher, seeing the empty seat, arranges for Kurokami-kun to sit next to Moya. Yan-chan looks disappointed… Moya tries to exercise her charm on Kurokami-kun, but class starts way too soon.

book tag 2
Credits to Erin Kitagawa

Surprisingly, Kurokami-kun produces a pair of scissors from his pencil case. Moya leans towards him and sees that he has an entire collection of scissors of various sizes and shapes tucked in his pencil case. Indifferent to her gaze, Kurokami-kun starts snipping away at the hair of the girl in front of him. “Split ends,” he mutters in disgust.

“That’s…awesome!” Moya whispers obnoxiously to Kurokami-kun.

“Hmmph,” grunts Kurokami-kun as he continues trimming the girl’s hair with dexterity. The girl sits there properly, as you do if you’re only a side character, and loses 12 cm of hair over biology class.

“Cut my hair next?” Moya murmurs while putting an index finger to her lips.

Kurokami-kun looks at her with an expression of pain. “Your ringlets…are such an abomination,” he manages to say with difficulty.

“I’ll cut them, for your sake!” Moya cries passionately after a brief moment of shock. “I’ll let you cut them for me!!!”

Kurokami-kun blinks. He proceeds to experience a series of black-and-white flashbacks of how he was slapped by his mother when he tried to braid her hair as a child, of how he unwrapped a birthday present to see a toy helicopter even though he was hoping for a pair of professional scissors, of how he was rejected by a girl in middle school when he worked up the courage to ask if he could cut her hair… “You…you really let me?” His voice trembles with joy and suffering.

Before Moya has the chance to answer, something pink comes in-between them. It’s her pink-haired best friend, Yan-chan, looking even more tortured than Kurokami-kun with her hands covering her entire face and a pair of scissors dangling from one of her fingers.

“How…dare you!” Yan-chan points the scissors at Moya’s face in fury.

“Joewell JP shears!” Kurokami-kun gasps, recognizing the scissors before recognizing the threat.

“But Yan-chan, I thought we were friends?” Moya cries as she takes a few steps back while her best friend advances.

“Die…” says Yan-chan. “Die die die die die die die…!!!”

Before Kurokami-kun has the chance to ask if she also owns fancy hair dye, he and Moya are both lifted into the air by a pair of sturdy arms. “Plop!” His butt lands on some wiry mesh. It’s…a shopping cart?


“Fear not, ojousama and her to-be boyfriend,” the manly voice of Moya’s driver booms. He had been perched in his favourite pine tree in the school yard with a pair of binoculars, despite the many warnings issued by the principal, parent council, and city police. Moya and Kurokami-kun are raced through the hallway and into the streets (with ambulance noises, of course), while Yan-chan charges behind them chanting “die.”

Suddenly, the shopping cart comes to a halt. A badly parked car blocks the path in the narrow alley. It’s Moya’s Mercedes! With Yan-chan hot on their heels, they have no time for questions. The faithful driver shoves Moya and Kurokami-kun into the back seat and starts driving.

Moya feels something stir beneath her feet not long after the car begins moving. “Faex,” she hears someone say.

“M-mother!” Kurokami-kun cries in horror. Trampled under Moya and Kurokami-kun is a pale, silver-haired woman with carmine eyes, wrapped in a tattered cape of crimson.

“Potes meos suaviari clunes,” the woman pronounces spitefully as she arises.

“Mother, speak English,” Kurokami-kun suggests.

“You can kiss my ass!” Kurokami’s mother swears. “I just needed a place away from the sun after last night’s hangover. What, something wrong about a 200-year-old-and-single vampire having a hangover, huh? You judging me? Like I’m one of those spinster anime homeroom teachers who makes jokes about themselves? I’ve been married, I tell ya! And son, what’s with that unintelligent-looking girl? I will not permit you to bring yet another human into our ancestral blooodline.

“But my father!…” Kurokami-kun heats up with angst.

“Your father is no more, remember? We used up all his blood during the last New Year’s party,” Mother Kurokami waves her hand dismissively.

“Don’t worry, Unintelligent-Looking Girl,” Kurokami proceeds to clasp Moya’s hands tightly. “I will not let your ringlets be harmed by anyone other than me.”

“But Kurokami-kun, you can’t go!” Moya gasps tragically.

“This is my battle…” says Kurokami-kun through gritted teeth. “When I return, your hair is mine for always.”

But the conflict is too urgent for Kurokami-kun and his mom to bring the fight to anywhere else. They start scratching and hissing at each other as the car speeds on. The driver, meanwhile, continues driving at a steady speed (because side characters aren’t supposed to do things during the climax).

“Just yank her out,” yells Moya with exasperation and some semblance of common sense. “She can’t survive the sun!”

“You don’t understand…this is my battle,” Kurokami-kun reiterates with bitter determination.


“No, senpai, this is our battle!” A muffled voice is heard from outside the car. Yan-chan presses her flushed face against the rear window while the car continues to move.

“Just open the door!” Moya shrieks, both out of fear for Yan-chan and out of the persistent belief that her battle tactic is superior. Remembering that she owns a fancy car with an automatically opening door, Moya presses a button and kicks at the fighting duo while Mother Kurokami also kicks at her son.

Needless to say, Kurokami-kun is the one to fall out, and Yan-chan is the one who flies to the other side of the car and catches him. We may as well consider Kurokami-kun to be dead with such an ending to the fight…

Thus concludes the best-selling, action-packed tale of a bitchy wealthy and highly educated Moya and her emo hairdressing love interest in an alternative dimension. Thank you for reading, ohohohohoho~


15 thoughts on “A Trashy Satire Involving a Snob, Yandere, Hairdresser, and Vampire (Full Version)

  1. Ha ha that was great! The “don’t worry unintelligent girl” really made me laugh!
    It was so anime, but self aware enough to be pretty funny despite it all, I swear I’ve seen that binoculars looking through the window trope way too many times, Nisekoi most notably.

    This format looks really cool, can you link me the generator so I can try making one? Or just tell me what it’s called so I can find it myself! It’s a really cool idea honestly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, thanks. Definitely Nisekoi XD And there isn’t really a generator for this – you can check out my last post that I linked in the beginning of this one for more details on how to play MASH. You basically come up with your own options for each category and choose one out of four at random. You end up with 10 obscure elements to create a story from.
      I’d love to read your story if you ever produce one!

      Liked by 1 person

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